Articles
PARENTING – CHILD ANGER MANAGEMENT
Understanding and managing a child's anger
PaA parent- child relationship devoid of anger is not a natural relationship. A child who is being disciplined consciously will feel angry from time to time and that anger will be directed towards its parent.
ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION.
We (children and adults) feel angry because we are feeling one of the following primary feelings: insecurity, fear, sadness or powerlessness. So, when your child is angry, try and work out what the primary feeling is. Asking a child ‘why are you angry? ‘ is not always helpful. Rather listen to your child's story and check with him/her if it is sadness or fear or something else. "What happened at school today?" "When mom says you can't have that, what do think?" Children find it easier to tell you what they are thinking than what they are feeling.
ANGER IS AN ENERGETIC EMOTION.
Energy is needed to express anger effectively. In many instances it is an easy emotion to express or to help a child express it.
This is what you can do when your child is angry:
• Take her/him outside - in the garden if you have one - and let her/him throw a ball as hard as possible against a wall (a tennis ball works well)
• Let him/her run or skip until he/she is exhausted. In the park, in the garden, in the forest or go to the beach and let him/her scream as loud as he/she can over the sea.
• Hang a punch bag in a big tree. With younger children one can make a punch bag with scrunched up newspaper, stuffed into a plastic bag.
• Make a scream box with an empty cardboard box filled with newspaper and cut a hole big enough for an empty toilet roll for him/her to scream into.
Regular exercise is VERY important in the management of aggressive energy. It is equally important to let your child benefit from the healing energy of nature and exercise in a natural environment with grass, sand, water, stones, plants and trees. Confronting the elements of nature, such as wind and rain make the experience more exhilarating for your child.
Some children feel powerful and strong when they are expressing anger-it counteracts their feelings of insecurity and powerlessness. Children who are being bullied or hurt or feel unheard or unimportant may become angry.
Play games with your child that make him/her feel strong : like pillow fights or arm wrestling. Again, do this outdoors whenever you can. Nature nurtures and gives your child a sense of belonging. Make a big deal about how strong he/she is. Make a fuss about his/her muscles. A wonderful game to play outside on a hot summer day is to shoot at each other with water pistols.
NEVER HURT THE CHILD PHYSICALLY. The point is to MAKE YOUR CHILD FEEL STRONGER THAN YOU. If you sense your child wants to hurt you, contain it. Stop the game, but don't criticise him/her. Simply say..."I am getting hurt now, we're not going to play this game anymore."
CHILDREN FEEL GUILTY ABOUT EXPRESSING ANGER TOWARDS AN ADULT.
They need to hear that the emotion is fine; it is how they express their emotion that needs to be guided. The more a child can talk about his other emotions, the less he/she will be angry. Children need to know that parents also feel angry from time to time and they need to see positive examples of managing anger.
No matter how angry a child is he/she should not be allowed to break or damage objects or hurt any person or animal. Anger can get out of control. Read the signals and contain it.
ON-GOING UNCONTAINED ANGER IN THE HOME NEEDS PROFESSIONAL ATTENTION.
Source: Leila Falletisch – child play therapist, Somerset West
Date: 11 Mar 2009
